Hope

Have you ever found yourself asking "Why?" or "Why me?" This little phrase has been one I have uttered, shouted, and cried far too many times. Of course this phrase doesn't usually come to my lips at times of great undeserved grace or blessing. It doesn't come to mind when I am granted forgiveness or lavished with love. No, but it does arrive at times of pain, disappointment, and struggle. It seems such times are its stage. When the stage is set the little words dance and taunt me into doubt and disbelief. Have you ever been there?

When we first moved for my husband to begin attending seminary, we were filled with excitement and anticipation. We had sold most of our things, said good bye to dear friends, and were ready to walk the road of adventure. The first several months we found ourselves "jobless." My husband applied endlessly, day after day, only to receive rejection after rejection. While sitting in the office of the Department of Social Services, waiting for hours to apply for assistance, I asked "Why?" I was confused by "the Lord's lack of provision" and the perceived penalization for serving Him. It just didn't make sense to me. I was always taught, or at least believed, obedience leads to blessing. This was not blessing! I wrestled with feeling inadequate and forgotten. The voices of my childhood that condemned and shamed government assistance came to the forefront of my mind, and I found myself quicly sliding into a pit of hopelessness.

Years later, my perspective has changed to be a little clearer. Even that place of struggle was where I was meant to be, and within the struggle was a greater work happening, a work of freedom and redemption. Just as a dear brother once said, instead of "Why?" maybe there is a different question to be asked..."What? What is it you want to teach me Lord? What is it you want to do in me? Through me?" Slowly I am learning, indeed my God uses all things and where I am is no mere accident. Those things that most came to mind during that season were long lasting lies, even generational lies. That "desert time" drew out and exposed beliefs from the deeper parts of my heart and mind, beliefs that enslaved me.

Dear sisters I Pray that even "here", wherever "here" is, you, dear sister might find peace and comfort in the knowing our Father is not about to drop you, has not forgotten you, nor is too busy...but even in "this", He is working a good work in you.
Blessings.