Noticed

"Please make me invisible. Please let them see me different from who I am."

As a little girl this was a daily request that I prayed to God. I had learned to believe that who I was was dreadful, shameful, and the cause of rejection and abuse. I learned to fade away in the background of an argument and I learned to stifle my voice so that I might not inconvenience anyone, or that I might not stir rage. To be noticed seemed a punishment and to be hidden seemed safe.

As a young woman I yearned to be noticed. I yearned to be noticed and pursued. I watched as other women were noticed and treasured (more likely googled), and I learned to believe that to be noticed by a man might deem me precious, valuable, and worthy.

Hagar, whose personal story often goes unnoticed, was a woman of long ago who might have felt this way. Did she resent the fact that she was noticed by her master and mistress? Anytime Sarah took notice of Hagar and her growing belly there was rejection, insult, punishment and shame. The tension peaked when Hagar was discarded with her son, from the only home they knew. When all seemed hopeless, Hagar was noticed. God took notice of Hagar (a servant and foreigner), and responded to her cry with a hope and a blessing. There was no more hiding for Hagar, to be noticed was to find hope. God took notice of Hagar and her voice is finally expressed and heard. She boldly names God, "the God who sees."

God sees me. God sees you. He does not merely glance and move on. He takes notice. Perhaps, like Hagar you feel used up, or discarded. Perhaps the compulsion to hide from God overwhelms you when you "lose it" again or when you "give in" another time. Maybe you have grown to believe that hiding is where safety and security is found. Perhaps you have settled for the notice of yet another man, hoping that maybe this time you will finally feel whole. God notices you. This is why he began His grace work with Jesus. He continues to notice you, and this is why He is faithful to working this grace through and through you. 

It is only in the secure place of God's sight can we find the things we most hunger for, to be precious, valuable and worthy. He sees you. 

                                      A Gift Worth Receiving

Every Christmas we have a tradition of taking turns opening our gifts. My children eagerly wait to unwrap their gifts, and at times they sneak peeks! They try to take an interest in the gifts others are opening. All along they are secretly poking holes in the wrapping, bending and shaking the mysterious packages, attempting to guess what lies beneath the paper. What could it be? Then finally it is their turn and the wrapping is torn to shreds as they satisfy their curiosity. 

There is something especially delightful in that gift that tells you "I know you. I see you, and this is just right for you." I happen to be a terrible gift giver. I shop. I look, but I don't seem to find. I become discouraged in my search, hoping to find something extra special and with lots of "wow factor." I have a friend who is a great gift giver. She seems to find the perfect little trinkets that just fit the occasion and the individual. Her gifts are timely, personal, and uniquely special.

That's how God is. He gives us exactly what we need. Timely, personal, and uniquely special. He knows us through and through (warts and all) even better than we know ourselves! He knows our inner thoughts, our fears, our hopes, our hang ups. None of it phases Him and none of it is too much. Instead of turning away in disappointment or disgust, He opens His arms and continues on giving. It is pricey ... but He has already paid!

When we feel insignificant or purposeless, He calls us treasure, masterpiece, (Deut. 26:18; Eph. 2:8-10; 2Cor. 6:18). When we fail, He gives us more and more grace to remind us our failings do not take away from anything He has given, nor does it damage His love for us (Romans 8:35; 2Cor. 12:9). We are lavished with every spiritual blessing (Eph. 1). When we wander away, He pursues and/or He waits ready to welcome us home to His embrace (Lk.15). He knows when we need kindness to bring us home (Romans 2:4). He knows when we need discipline for correction and/or growth (Hebrews 12:6-11). He knows our every need. He is the God who sees you and me (Genesis 16:13).

Not only does He give us what we need, He is a gift that keeps on giving. A gift that we are invited to unwrap to discover more to unwrap again. He is a gift we must  learn to receive over again and again. His grace. His acceptance. His hope. His power. His strength. His heart. His vision. How are we at receiving such a gift? How are we at unwrapping? Do we hold a gift and forget to explore and unwrap? Do we set Him aside for later? Do we pick up lesser gifts and convince ourselves they just might be better? Do we resist receiving out of fear there may be strings? Do we resist receiving because we are too busy grasping at other things? Performing? Achieving?

Above all else, it isn't what we get from Him, but how much more He gives of Himself to us. Daily. He longs to lavish us with love. He waits for us to receive again and again. He's ready (He didn't need us to drop hints or text Him) but maybe it is us who need a hint? 

I want to be a better receiver. I want to delight in Him more, to anticipate something fresh and new about Him under the wrapper. I long to peek and anticipate His mystery. I long to be surprised again and again by who He is and how He knows me and loves me. He is the gift that keeps on giving, and He is the gift more than worth re-gifting!

Suffering ~ Dedicated to my friend, Wendi

No suffering is invited, at least not on the front end. Yet, like an intruder, she comes in. She pulls out rugs right from underneath us. She punches us in the stomach, taking our breath away for a moment that seems like eternity. She trips us up, shattering our hopes and dreams.
"Suffering" wreaks havoc in us and around us. Her taunts bait old lies of blame, shame, and accusation. She brings with her ingredients for hopelessness, bitterness, despair, disillusionment ... "Suffering," she brings with her a string of questions, yet no answers.
It seems that you, "Suffering," are here to stay. I cannot snuff you out. I cannot control enough, avoid enough, hide enough, bargain enough to keep you away...thus, "Suffering," come closer, and meet "Redemption."
"Redemption"enters the scene unsuspectedly, in the most ordinary ways (God in the womb of an impoverished simple girl). She quietly whispers invitations to deeper faith. "Redemption"does not respond to my demands for explanation or alleviation of "Suffering." She does not obey my calendar and schedule, but follows perfect timing.
"Redemption" mysteriously dances to the beat of a greater song. She curiously threads simple and ordinary stories, those exploited by "Suffering," into a greater story...the greatest story. "Redemption" paces herself to the rhythm of the wind and the breath of the Spirit. She intricately weaves the frayed, stained, worn out pieces of our lives, into a story that brings new meaning... Hope.
I don't know when "Redemption" will overpower "Suffering." I don't know when "Redemption" will shout "Victory!"... or perhaps I don't know when I will hear. I only know "Redemption" will win in the end.
"Suffering," you are here, but please beware, your ash will one day be beauty.
"Redemption"... Redeemer, Jesus, have your way with me.

Seeing Wonder

The cool , almost-autumn breeze seemed to sweep us along as we meandered through the woods. My youngest son and I were enjoying a walk together. Step by step, I found myself humbled by the teachings the Lord had in store for me.
"Let's play a game!" Eli shouted. Eli loves to make up unique games, so this was not a suprise. He playfully described the game to me, "Let's look for hidden faces. Look for objects that seem to form a face," as he quickly pointed an already formed face made out of two pebbles, a foot print, and a twig. For the next hour we played this game, finding smiley faces formed by spider webs, clouds, and other pieces of nature's wonder. Eli saw these smiles everywhere he looked. For a moment I stepped back, and I stopped my search. I watched him, as he ran from place to place explaining the faces to me. He pointed out acorns and pinecones placed in just the right positions. I would sqwat next to him as he held up a pebble against the back drop of the sky. He perfectly positioned his pebble, in the middle of two puffy clouded eyes, just above a branch, forming a long grin!
I soon realized that amongst our gigles and silliness was a little bit of wisdom. Eli reminded me that sometimes in life we need to look beyond the surface, pause, and look deeply, and sometimes what is there is more than what meets the eye! Secondly, Eli reminded me about perspective. Sometimes we need to take the time to see things from someone else's perspective. This may mean that I need to take the time to sqwat, or I might have to stand on my tip toes! Sometimes seeing something from another's perspective can open us up to a whole new world! Sometimes we can even see that maybe we were holding onto our perspective as the only perspective to be had. Sometimes, we need to step back, and be okay with not finding the perfect shapes in the clouds, while resting assured there is one who formed and knows every cloud and how it fits! Lastly, Eli reminded me to be alert and ready! Often times out of the mouths of babes, and out of the least suspecting, come lessons to be learned and wisdom to be gleaned! Be slow to dismiss another as a teacher, we just might be suprised who God uses in our lives! Thank you Lord for little ones with great faith!

Bulges and Grace

The other day I was thumbing through my mail and I came upon an add for "Miracle Underwear." The add stated: "Are you like the millions who believe in the power of magnets? Then you will know the power of 'Miracle Magnetic Underwear'... (I am not making this up!)...Underwear that slims your deriere. Underwear that hides those unslightly bulges. Do you want to appear slimmer? Then you will want 'Miracle Magnetic Underwear.'"
The kids and I giggled at the ridiculousness of the add. Of course my boys jumped on the opportunity to make all sorts of little boy jokes! But, it got me thinking. Far too often I have wanted the appearance of something versus the actual thing. I have wanted to "hide my bulges" and look a certain way to others. A way that presents myself as one without any bulges, or at least with less bulges than what I have. Am I fooled to think hiding "bulges" gets rid of bulges, or that noone else has "bulges"??
Okay, don't get lost in the "bulges"... what I really mean is, how often do we settle on an appearance of a good thing, without having the real deal? Longings are never truly satisfied when we resort to mere appearances and images. Longings are never satisfied when I hide. An image of godliness will never satisfy my soul's longing for redemption, relationship, security, significance!
When my children were young, my husband and I were involved in full time ministry. In my insecurity, I often caved in to the belief that my family needed to appear all together. I probably wouldn't have admitted this. In fact I probably would have insisted that we were transparent. Honestly, I wanted people to see me and my family as put together, doing things right, and well. We all have different images that we attempt to convey: orderly, fun-loving, calm, intellectual, insightful, organized, competent... you name it! We all hope to put our best foot forward and be received and loved. We all dislike (even fear) rejection.
I am learning more and more that what I really long for is not the image and the approval of others, but it is a heart and life that is being changed by an intimate relationship with Jesus, and His incarnate presence in the lives of others. The deal is, we can't do this alone. We can adapt our image. We can refine it and adjust it...but we cannot change our hearts and souls.
In ourselves we cannot provide what we truly long for. We need others to be grace to us. We need others to be like Jesus, willing to see our "bulges" in light of redemption, knowing He who began the good work in us, continues to shape and mold us! We need the experience of being grace to others. Frankly, as long as we hide our "bulges," and as long as we expect others to hide their "bulges," we starve ourselves from ever being satisfied. We were made to taste grace (though Jesus and others) and to be an aroma of grace to others.
So, "bulges" and all, here we are, remembering, there is one working in us and changing us more than skin deep, strengthening us beyond our fears, and moving us to shed our veneers! So tell me, why settle for anything less? Keep the magnets for the fridge!
Thanks nameless advertising company for reminding me of bigger, better, and "bulgier" things!

"Unfriending" Fear

Fear.

She betrays me over and over again, yet for whatever reason I treat her as a friend.

Her "what if's" distract me.

Her presence has brought familiarity ... a known in the face of uncertainty.

A warped sense of security?

Fear ... and me.

Together, we have crafted masks of posing and cloaks of hiding.

Together, we have danced a motionless dance of paralysis, and sung songs of voicelessness.

Fear.

Her chants and jingles are mantras of "have to's," "oughts," and "musts."

Like old melodies rehearsed over and over again, their meaning fades from my attention, yet

all the more they impact me.

Fear.

Her words become my mission, they justify my cause:

"Play it safe!"

"Trust noone!"

Life with fear ... is not life at all.

Perfect Love.

The enemy to Fear.

Fear dreads Perfect Love, she avoids Him all together.

Perfect Love banishes Fear.

Perfect Love will not entertain Fear's antics.

Perfect Love will not give a moments time to her lies.

Perfect Love knows who Fear really is, and with Perfect Love ... there is no room for Fear.

So while I entertain Fear, simply because she is familiar... Perfect Love waits to come in.

Perhaps it is time to "unfriend" Fear, and make more room and time for more Perfect Love?

It is time to invite Perfect Love in ... again and again.

Oh, and by the way... I think I might do the same with Worry...she's been stabbing me in the

back lately.

A Woman's Desperation

I don't think I have ever met a woman that is not desperate. I don't mean the desperation that we feel because of circumstances, or because of the wounds that we have self-induced, or that have been inflicted by the will of others. It is a desperation that runs much deeper. It is the desperation of the soul. The poverty and brokenness of the soul that when examined deeply reveals the etchings of eternity.
Most of us are unaware of our desperation until God's grace allows us to awaken to its existance, and even then His grace gives us only a glimpse. This is a most scary leg of the journey at first. It is that place in which our good deeds and spiritual images seem to run shallow, veneering compulsions to pursue attention, admiration, and value. How is it this comes as such a suprise to one who knows "All have sinned"? Is it possible that somewhere along the way of this "critical journey" we are betrayed by our own thoughts and feelings? Is it possible that in our state of salvation we become arrogantly blind to our ongoing need for repentance and dependence upon Christ? Those who are competent and self-reliant are at greatest risk. We become fooled by our own capabilities, and blind to our own capacity to sin. Worse we forget the sweet taste of grace and mercy that we need for sustanance. We forget that we have been loved. We forget that we are loved.
We are desperate, no matter if we are aware or not. The real dilemma is not in the shame of the desperation, which many of us have learned. But, the real dilemma is where we take our desperation with futile hopes of it being satisfied, or at least alleviated.
How we must remember, our woundedness has been met with the kiss of mercy through Jesus. Only in the intimacy of His embrace, moment by moment, can our hopeless desperation have hope, and in this hope we can be secure. Thus, our desperation can be invited out of its hiding. We can celebrate our desperation and snicker at old ways of victimhood. We can allow Jesus to meet our desperation with a kiss of mercy over and over again, and perhaps be changed all of the more, and once again know we are loved.