Missing the Mark ... Breaking the Boxes

Have you ever withheld your thoughts, your honest emotions, your true state of being? Have you ever withdrawn and rationalized yourself out of offering or serving? Did you think, "What if people think ... (fill in the blank)" or "No, it won't come out right" or "What if my motives are off?" "It's too much" or "It isn't enough." So you resign yourself to silence and inactivity. You ambivalently agree to not make an impression, a God impression; to not bring light to darkness; to not bring life to death...just in case it isn't quite up to parr.

Honestly, I am embaressed at how many times I have shy-ed away for these very reasons. My top reason is connected to my insecurity. I suppose my insecurity is my excuse. I think, "Surely my thoughts will come out all jumbled, incomprehensible, and full of emotion. I will look like a fool. I might even cry. My thoughts will never meet the standards..." or "No, this is not a safe place. What I share will not be accepted...I might be criticized or rejected." Sadly to say, I have submitted to my excuses and prized safety and image preservation over and over again.

Jesus reminds me that following the standards of others is not the goal, and that He indeed does take our small loaves and multiply them in their potency. Jesus faced the dilemma of not following the rules and not meeting the standard (man's standard). In fact, Jesus intentionally arroused the dilema. Throughout his life and loving of others, Jesus was criticized and rejected. In Mark 3, Jesus is described as healing a man on the Sabbath. This was a big "no, no" in the eyes of the Pharisees...the "Super Jews" who were known for keeping score cards and tallies of all rights and wrongs of others. Jesus did not shy away or resist the opportunity to love no matter what adversity.  Okay, so it is easy to say..."yeah but that's Jesus and He always gave perfectly"...Okay, what about the little boy with fish and loaves? A little bit of nothing to offer, for the hunger of thousands of people. He could have said "this will never do...this will never be enough" but instead he offered the little he had...the meager little bit, and Jesus multiplied. Maybe this is what it is to be like a little child, offering even if it seems ridiculous!

What about Paul...talk about one with a messy past!!! Here's the guy who wrote most of the New Testament..."the chief of sinners!" a murderer of Christians...the guy who held the coats of the murderers of Stephen, a devoted follower and martyr for Christ!! Following his conversion, Paul could have held onto and hid in shame. He could have said: "well, I can't really offer much. Who am I? I have way too messy of a past, and it is constantly dripping into my present..." Paul's past did drip into his present...it made him who he was...a man of weakness, one who knew God's grace to be enough! Should we go on? What about Rahab...gosh, a prostitute... a prostitute who models Jesus' act of salvation (and she wasn't a "recovered" prostitute either!) This is the woman mentioned in the geneology of Jesus. A distant relative to Christ...a prostitute, the mother of Boaz (who models Jesus as redeemer!) who marries Ruth (who models Jesus' devotion and tender care), the foreign widow with nothing!! Seems to me, God is into people who offer messily, undone, and sometimes meager crumbs! Seems to me He shows Himself off through such people!
Hmmm...why do you resist loving? Why do you hold back? Why do you withdraw? Why have you resigned yourself to the sideline? Why are you convinced lukewarm tastes good? Why is it that you believe some have the ability to offer and give for God's glory...but not you?? Don't you know the very same Holy Spirit lives in you? How long will you withhold your story (the brokenness, the redemption)? How long will you not comment, not touch the lives of others, not know the hearts of others, and not be known? How long will you resist from blooming into the woman you were created to be? It is what your heart desires, yet you turn away.

Sisters, everyone of you has a place, and everyone of you has much to offer. There is more to your life than those fears. We all know those fears. We all know those insecurities. Even the prettiest and most put together of us. We are made of the same stuff, and the same stuff corses through our veins! Maybe you feel stuck, and shame seems to be all that you know. Maybe the fear and insecurity seem to sewn so deep into the fabric of who you are that it seems hopeless. Maybe you don't care anymore. What is it? Don't settle, don't wait. Don't wait until "you're ready"...you know how that goes...you will never be ready, but you can be faithful! Listen to your Father...He knows your heart. He knows your fears. He knows what you were made for, and He will lead you in this way. He will make it happen.

Jesus loved others radically. He gave to others knowing it did not fit into the standards and boxes of the Pharisees. He gave and loved in ways that busted the walls of their boxes. Praying that we may love and offer ourselves, our stories, and Christ in us and through us to others in radical ways.Messy and undone! Perhaps emotional or odd! Who knows how our Lord will multiply it!

Love you!
Your sister, with you, one who was made to be a radical lover of Christ and others, and one who is being formed, so that it is so!
april 

The Way of Love

"I don't like hazelnut creamer."

My husband looked flabbergasted. He was speechless. After a long pause he said, "What? How could you not like hazelnut creamer after I have been making your coffee with it for the last 8 years? Why didn't you say anything?"

You can only imagine John's confusion. Why would I hold out on such a thing?? The truth be told I was clueless as to what I liked and what I disliked. I didn't really pay much attention to it, and when I did I felt guilty or convinced myself that it didn't matter, or shouldn't matter.

When I was a little girl I played with a sweet girl, Jennifer who lived up the hill from our small trailer. One night I was visiting her family for dinner. Her father asked me what I would like, and if I would want more. My reply, "I don't care. It doesn't matter."  

I hate to admit the insatiable insecurity I have wrestled with for most of my life. I would love to say that my knees never locked in front of a crowd, my voice never quivered, mole hills didn't grow into mountains, and my mind was always free of fear ... but this would be a lie. For most of my life I created a rating system for myself, and I strove for standards that were ridiculous. For most of my life I believed myself a failure even before I tried, and I would give up on tasks that seemed fated to end in failure. For most of my life I have been tempted to deny my flaws, hide them, or hide myself because of them. You see, although I trusted and believed in Jesus as my Savior as a little 6 year old girl, His acceptance and love for me seemed to be a fantasy. I believed others to be "Princesses and daughter's of the King." I longed for this to be true for me, but I believed myself to be a step-daughter, tolerated because that's what God does. He had to love me.

The truth is God does not promise that He will merely tolerate you or me. There aren't first rate Christ-followers somehow getting His attention and favor, and then ... the rest of us. It is so easy to form these kind of deep core beliefs out of our personal experiences and interactions with others. Abandonment, abuse, rejection, betrayal, marginalization, deception, etc. ... these experiences and others often seem to be what proves our beliefs that either God does not love us as He says, or that there must be something incredibly wrong with us to keep His love away.

These beliefs form deep insecurity, shame, loneliness. They fuel our addictions and compulsions to hide, strive, numb, please, pretend, preform. This is not the way of freedom. This is not the way of life or love. 

So how do we live, and live abundantly in a broken world, and with the wounds of life? The scariest first step is we allow our wounds to breathe. Even the wounds we have inflicted upon ourselves and others. We bring them to the light cautiously and carefully to someone safe, and to Jesus. We allow our stories to be heard (thus those of us who know grace must be safe and allow the stories to be told). If needed, we allow the poison to be drained as the emotions surge as if it just happened.  We allow others to see us for who we really are, and we allow them to treat us differently, not as we have treated ourselves, neglecting and isolating, but as Jesus treats us, with dignity, grace, and love. 

Like a balm, the Spirit pours a new strength into us. It doesn't erase our wounds and all of their effects but His strength works through our wounds and weaknesses. Slowly we learn what our hearts need, and we do for ourselves what no one can do for us. No one can renew our minds for us. No one can take our thoughts captive and replace them with truth for us. No one can turn us away from our sins of choice. No one can "put off, put on" for us. And so we begin to choose, versus react. We stumble. We trip. We may take two steps forward, one step back, but He doesn't leave and He doesn't give up. He continues to work in us and through us, giving us what we need to live as He intended, the way of life and love.

In our new strength, in which our weaknesses are now His assets, we learn to gaze into the mirror of scripture that reveals to us the image we were created in. We choose to sit in the presence of the One who redeems this image we bear that has been marred, warped, and tainted by sin. We learn the difference between the voices of our past, our condemning voice, and His whisper. We pause and listen. We begin to believe what He says over the old way. We choose to risk, and we open up to spiritual friends who reinforce the truth of who we are ... Worthy, and as we become more and more free from our self-preoccupation we begin to do the same for them. We begin to believe the truth and we begin to actively participate in the way of love.

Pressing hard After HIS Heart: Noticed"Please make me invisible. Please let them ...

Pressing hard After HIS Heart: Noticed"Please make me invisible. Please let them ...: Noticed "Please make me invisible. Please let them see me different from who I am." As a little girl this was a daily reque...

Noticed

"Please make me invisible. Please let them see me different from who I am."

As a little girl this was a daily request that I prayed to God. I had learned to believe that who I was was dreadful, shameful, and the cause of rejection and abuse. I learned to fade away in the background of an argument and I learned to stifle my voice so that I might not inconvenience anyone, or that I might not stir rage. To be noticed seemed a punishment and to be hidden seemed safe.

As a young woman I yearned to be noticed. I yearned to be noticed and pursued. I watched as other women were noticed and treasured (more likely googled), and I learned to believe that to be noticed by a man might deem me precious, valuable, and worthy.

Hagar, whose personal story often goes unnoticed, was a woman of long ago who might have felt this way. Did she resent the fact that she was noticed by her master and mistress? Anytime Sarah took notice of Hagar and her growing belly there was rejection, insult, punishment and shame. The tension peaked when Hagar was discarded with her son, from the only home they knew. When all seemed hopeless, Hagar was noticed. God took notice of Hagar (a servant and foreigner), and responded to her cry with a hope and a blessing. There was no more hiding for Hagar, to be noticed was to find hope. God took notice of Hagar and her voice is finally expressed and heard. She boldly names God, "the God who sees."

God sees me. God sees you. He does not merely glance and move on. He takes notice. Perhaps, like Hagar you feel used up, or discarded. Perhaps the compulsion to hide from God overwhelms you when you "lose it" again or when you "give in" another time. Maybe you have grown to believe that hiding is where safety and security is found. Perhaps you have settled for the notice of yet another man, hoping that maybe this time you will finally feel whole. God notices you. This is why he began His grace work with Jesus. He continues to notice you, and this is why He is faithful to working this grace through and through you. 

It is only in the secure place of God's sight can we find the things we most hunger for, to be precious, valuable and worthy. He sees you.